Resilience in the College Process and Beyond
- Lauren
- Apr 18, 2018
- 3 min read

I recently attended a seminar entitled “Raising Resilient Girls” given by the CEO of an inspiring organization called Girls Leadership (https://girlsleadership.org/). As the mother of two young girls, this topic has tremendous personal relevance but I also attended from a professional perspective and left with a number of great takeaways to share. While the presentation focused on girls because research shows that they disproportionately experience many of the challenges discussed, the concepts absolutely apply to boys as well. There were several points that were relevant to the college admissions journey but I believe hold even greater importance to adolescent development in general.
The majority of traditional high school environments reward rule followers. Those who quickly learn the directions of the game, and work hard practicing under those guidelines, are often celebrated with praise and good grades. While it is certainly laudable to accomplish this kind of success, it becomes dangerous when an achievement orientation slips into perfectionism. Perfectionism is characterized by an obsession with being the best, doing everything “exactly the right way,” and desperately dodging mistakes. Perfectionists beat themselves up for seemingly small missteps and associate their self-worth with their performance. According to Psychology Today, “What makes perfectionism so toxic is that while those in its grip desire success, they are most focused on avoiding failure, so theirs is a negative orientation.” This tendency is sometimes seen in high-performing students in high-achieving environments and can be amplified in the high school years especially during the college admissions journey. Record-low admissions rates at highly selective universities are sometimes viewed by students as a sign that nothing less than a perfect academic record and extracurricular performance will be accepted by the schools they covet. And while the achievement “arms race” prevalent in some communities has received much media attention, the reality is that colleges are not looking for “perfect” kids. Admissions officers at Ivy League and similar schools will tell you that they value authenticity, genuine passion, and a real appetite for learning over a seemingly perfect but meaningless “checklist” of accomplishments. They can actually see through a façade of perfection and instead look for instances where applicants have taken risks and learned from failures, shown resilience, and courage in the face of challenge.
So for those students reading this post who recognize some of the tendencies listed above, or for parents or counselors concerned about a student they know, what can you do? Here are a few ideas:
Normalize failure and provide opportunities to fail – Mistakes are a part of life. They can teach us valuable lessons and cultivate resilience. Yet, for a variety of reasons, research indicates that kids aren’t given the same kinds of opportunities as they were given in previous generations to take small (and eventually bigger) risks, fail, and survive, and ultimately grow from the experience. Teacher and author Jessica Lahey wrote a fantastic book, The Gift of Failure (http://www.jessicalahey.com/the-gift-of-failure/), that offers concrete strategies for parents of children of all ages to help foster this skill set. Another way to help? Start talking more about your own mistakes to begin to normalize this very human experience.
Engage in self-compassion – I’m a huge proponent of developing strong intrinsic motivation, working hard, and demonstrating grit to achieve your goals. But if (or rather – when) you struggle along the way, beating yourself up over it does not help move you forward. An interesting strategy I learned from the Girls Leadership presentation was to try talking to yourself like you would talk to a good friend. Being kinder to ourselves, mindful and accepting of our feelings, and connecting to others in times of trouble are all proven methods for building confidence and courage as we learn and grow. More information on this research and advice can be found here: https://girlsleadership.org/resources/research/a-powerful-new-tool-for-girls-courage-confidence-self-compassion/
Practice gratitude – positive psychology, aka “the science of well-being” repeatedly points to the value of regularly practicing gratitude to increase happiness, improve optimism, and reduce stress. Rather than placing disproportionate emphasis on your deficiencies or shortcomings, making a concerted effort to demonstrate genuine gratitude for what is good or going right in your life can do wonders in shifting your worldview and ability to handle setbacks. A simple way to do this is by journaling three things you are grateful for each day, or discussing these things over breakfast as a family. It’s easy and it works. For more information on positive psychology, visit https://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/
These issues are tremendously important to address before going off to college. A new college environment will present new challenges to students who will need the tools and experience to face them. Being mindful of opportunities to build resilience for both our girls AND boys will help prepare them for success in college and beyond.
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